My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
