i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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