A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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