i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
