well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
