meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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