in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
