are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
