If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
