Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
