Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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