Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
