You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The air taste purple.
Randomize
