And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
