ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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