Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
