I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
