the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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