I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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