guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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