Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
