Tell her she can't have a vagina
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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