I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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