Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
