Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
