If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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