So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
