I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize