a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
