So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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