whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
