So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Someone signed my nipple.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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