I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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