Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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