when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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