i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
