You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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