I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i now understand why vodka
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
