I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
