I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
