Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
