Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
