I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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