I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize