I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
