Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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