She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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