I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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