when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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