I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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