I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
