And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
