I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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