She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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