Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
