Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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