I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
