after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize