Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
