last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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