My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They took my balls.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
