So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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