I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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