I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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