Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
