Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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