I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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