My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
bring money and cleavage
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Even my vagina gasped.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
