in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she peed on how many people?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
